


'Twas Night Vale Before Christmas...

by Avonnia



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: A Visit from St. Nicholas, Christmas, Christmas Story, M/M, Ridiculous, With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 11:23:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2849174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avonnia/pseuds/Avonnia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Visit From St. Nicholas: A Night Vale Christmas Tale. </p>
<p>Cecil thinks that the traditional Christmas story doesn't quite make sense. He can obviously do a much better job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Twas Night Vale Before Christmas...

**Author's Note:**

> Rhyming is difficult, and frankly, I'm pretty sure that half of the verses in the poem are cringe-worthy. But a couple verses struck me this morning and the idea was far too funny to pass up! I do apologize to Clement Clarke Moore for making a mess of his classic poem.

“... And so, listeners, to finish things off this evening, I thought I'd share with you a story that I wrote.” Cecil begins, flipping a few switches on his sound board as the weather finishes.

“Carlos, wonderful Carlos, told me a Christmas story that he knew. He says it's really popular, but I'd never heard of it! It was a nice story, but it suffered from some... Well, let's just say 'creative licensing' about the true nature of Christmas, not to mention the _completely_ unrealistic portrayal of St. Nicholas, whom we all know is to be feared.” Cecil shudders, remembering some of more graphic Christmas stories he'd been told as a child. 

“So, I thought it would be fun if I wrote a version more applicable to Christmas as it really is!” he finished cheerfully, “And now, without further ado, I give to you: A Visit From St. Nicholas, by Cecil Gershwin Palmer,” he pauses to clear his throat, and then begans:

> 'Twas Night Vale before Christmas, and all through the town  
>  Not a being was stirring, nor making a sound;  
>  Knives and barbed wire: the tools to survive,  
>  And the hopes that St. Nicholas would never arrive;  
>  Its citizens curled up tight in their beds,  
>  chanting to Bloodstone with existential dread;  
>  And Carlos in lab coat and my furry pants  
>  Had just turned up the music, and asked me to dance;  
>  When out in the streets a scream and a clatter  
>  Drew us to the doorway to see what was the matter;  
>  And out in the street, we saw a monster most foul  
>  Splattered with blood, wearing black cloak and cowl;  
>  I spun on my heel and with door slammed in haste,  
>  I knew it was none but St. Nicholas we faced;  
>  Rapid and quick his denizens came,  
>  He roared and he hissed and he summoned by name:  
>  “Come _Smasher_! come _Ripper_! come _Gnawer_ and _Reaper_!  
>  Now, _Dragon_! now, _Demon_! now _Crusher_ and _Creeper_!”  
>  From the window with terror I awaited the sight,  
>  Of the carnage to follow as He took to flight;  
>  As fire and brimstone rained over the town,  
>  Carlos, in shock, still looking around, asked:  
>  “Even for Night Vale, this doesn't seem normal:  
>  holiday fun turned to freakish turmoil?”  
>  I shook my head sadly, and said with a sigh:  
>  “It's only like this when St. Nicholas stops by;  
>  We try to prevent it, using Bloodstone and chants,  
>  But even with that, there still is the chance  
>  That something goes wrong, that the town wards will fail,  
>  And St. Nick will descend with a gore and blood trail”  
>  Something crashed through our window, I pulled Carlos aside,  
>  Looked around quickly and suggested we hide;  
>  But then all of a sudden, a bright piercing light  
>  Shone down on the scene with municipal might;  
>  “Surrender and leave” yelled a man dressed in black,  
>  From a blue helicopter; the counter-attack!  
>  The Sheriff's police, towards St. Nick they flew,  
>  And though they fought bravely, were soon rent in two;  
>  Carlos cringed, he winced, and then he yelped:  
>  “There must be something we can do to help!”  
>  But no sooner had he spoken, and I'd turned around,  
>  Than St. Nicholas through our chimney slid down;  
>  Before us he stood, in black, gold, and red,  
>  Grinning a grin that filled us with dread;  
>  His eyes - they were dead! His teeth - they were yellow,  
>  And he carried the head of some unlucky fellow;  
>  Advancing towards us and grinning was he,  
>  As I grabbed a sharp candy cane off of our tree;  
>  St. Nicholas lunged, and quick as a flash,  
>  I parried, and swung the cane with a slash;  
>  St. Nicholas fell, holding his side,  
>  And while glaring at me, still clutching his hide,  
>  He set his finger aside of his nose,  
>  And quickly back out of the chimney he rose;  
>  With his party of monsters, he took to the sky,  
>  And we saw him off with a derisive “Goodbye!”  
>  “Safe again!” I exclaimed, as he flew out of sight,  
>  “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Cecil finished the story, folding away the paper he'd used to hastily scribble the verses, before returning his attention to his microphone.

“So, listeners, what did you think of that? I thought it was pretty good, and it was definitely a more accurate portrayal of St. Nicholas than the original.

“Of course, Night Vale hasn't had a St. Nicholas sighting since the Reindeer Incident in '92, but maybe chant a bit more fervently at your Bloodstones tonight, Night Vale. Wouldn't want anything to mess up our holiday celebrations, now would we? 

“...And with that, I leave you, Night Vale, to your Christmas Eve. I hope that each and every one of you survives till tomorrow, and gets to enjoy some quality time with your loved ones. Stay tuned next for the sound of bells, so faint and ethereal that you can't quite be sure that you aren't just imagining them. 

“Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.” Cecil finishes, removing his headset and switching off his mic feed. He quickly packs up his things, and leaves the station. He has a loved one waiting at home, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever published, and one of the first I've ever finished writing. I've read way too many fics, but I'm not much of a writer. I hope to improve, though, so any feedback would be awesome! Thank you for reading!


End file.
